why did this happen
i will run away with you
look- find me- take me
-i find stupid things
phone wires and dirty bricks
broken lights and sleep
-it’s your mind. your mind most of all. the old dusty pages of memory, and the wildflowers and dirty weeds that grow through the cracks of cement twisting around your brain soaking up sun through your open veins.
but also your long fingers that crawl up my ribs. the way you look at me. the way you look at me but you don’t care. behind my eyelids you burn- behind yours she dances
I’ve seen people destroyed by themselves. Their minds are so poisoned by their thoughts of self-hatred and nightmares of pain. I’ve seen people tear themselves down wearing their skin to the bone only to wake up every morning drowning, with purple eyes and pricked skin. I’ve seen people blown down by the fire breath of others to be shoved to the ground with explosions triggered by tiny letters with no intent of pain. Walking skeletons with thin lips stretched into smiles - the concrete boarders stacked up to disguise from trickling blood and tarred lungs.
nothing has changed
blue hearts look to flowering brains—scratched arms look to rough hands. they look to sew open veins and tie together the snapped strings in hope it will soothe their bleeding fingers and heat the bruised bones. They have forgotten their innocence.
The over medicated generation sits absorbing the glass until the blue glow seeps through their skin and cakes under their fingernails. With people dreaming of 99’s- and tape records of happy 1950’s couples plays background music to every dull life. We are hyper-sexualized- hyper-aware hyperperanoid- hypocondraics until people are seen huddled together, but they clutch their rib cages to keep away from the warmth and fear of another beating heart. Bourgious dreams of individuality or conformity until you’re just a gritty photocopy, until you are nothing but used coffee grounds soaked in sour milk. that is all you are. the bloodshot eyes and unreachable infallible dreams of heaven are over-analyzed over-exaggerated fantasies. Dreams. You close your eyes and reach heaven only when the blue rises out of the white, when the blood flows to the floor, when your eyes shrink, when you fall through the floor, when you fly. only when colors are seen.
Thoughts are unformed unimaginable words fuzzy static pinpricks of feeling and soft shapes that fit on the tongue soaking into the skin are smashed up into the dirt. They are nothing but useless letters- shapes-sticks pasted together to describe something someone has thought or felt before. They’re locked away crumpled and broken and shattered by electricity or shoved between the pages of a book with mindless fucking. Suffocated until they can no longer speak. Lock them away until your lips are blue, when the letters will spill through your eyelids. Push them through pens leaking out aromas of flowers and dusty minds.
They are the people who leave bile in the street they bleed fishhooks and have tattoos of death inked on their soft pink insides. What are you but the labels they give you? What are you but a cock or a cunt? They see you as nothing but what’s between your legs, and you throw up. trails of cigarette boats float down the rivers of dirty rain water reflected in the grime and fly wings stuck on the streetlamp
she pronounced her love
yet, it was said to the moon
he didn’t hear her
i keep thinking back to the night when the fog was sticky in the air
you blew smoke in my face
i rested my head on your chest
counting your ribs and humming to your heartbeat
my pale shins collided with your dirty jeans
you touched my hip and tripped up my rib cage
we fell asleep to the beatles
my throat raw, my skin hot
i danced in the moonlight but didn’t taste the fire
i want to be a pirate
or a girl locked in a tower
a dream, a fantasy…
anything but a reality.
i’m sorry - it’s late
so i feel like writing. I’ve had really terrible writers block for a really long time, and the last time I actually wrote something was in french class, and it was really angsty. It’s spring break. It’s almost 2 in the morning, and I told my parents I would go to bed two hours ago. I’m watching supernatural. I’ve been thinking, and I want someone. I know it’s stupid, but I want to have someone who thinks I’m important, someone who will actually listen to me and think of me more than I think of myself… I want you to like me. I want you to like me, because I think I like you. I’m not sure how long this will last, but I just wish that you would like me. I know you don’t. and it’s been the same thing over and over. Liking a person in the same way until i suffocate myself with utopias and drown my eyes in fantasies and fake situations. But I wish you would like me but it would fuck up everything. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and they deserve you much more than I do. Not like that would even be an option… I want to be done, but it helps. I can’t explain but the day you told me every girlfriend you’ve ever had did the same thing, it didn’t help. It doesn’t help the fact that you like me, and I wish I could like you but i don’t. I wish I could because I know how much it hurts… I want to keep the evil out of my blood, but I can’t. The silver red devils are gone so i’m left with boiling blood and no way to escape my mind. They keep me safe, more than anyone could know and I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve had the many blades for 4 years, and they helped. Now I’m just going quietly insane because there’s nothing there to help me… I’m glad that you understand. That you have all been there. I’m glad that the only adult I trust understood. I wish I could thank you much more. I’m glad that when I gave you that note you understood, and didn’t tell anyone. That you didn’t beg me to stop, or ask any questions. You understood and moved on, and that’s what I needed. I’m glad that the other people I’ve told have done the same. They’ve hugged me, told me it was okay. I wish I could thank you. Because this is what i needed. I needed to know there were good people in the world, and people who will listen and move on… No one on this entire planet has made me feel so important and so worthless all at the same time, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m never really sure how I feel, but that I feel varying types of sad. More or less. There are parts when I am happy. Now, I am happy. Sitting alone in my dark living room, watching supernatural, knowing my entire family is asleep. I am happy when I encounter those fleeting moments when everything seems so innocent. When I get flashbacks of times when I was happy. I miss the times when I would run around and not care. When I had matted hair and scabby knees, but I guess everyone feels that way. to feel like they were when they were a kid, a time when everything was beautiful, and innocent. I want to run away. I want to run away almost more than anything. It wouldn’t help though, because the person I want to get away from the most is myself, and that seems poetic, but it’s not. I didn’t know how much a person could hate themselves but I guess I know now. I guess I’ll never know as much as I think I know, and I don’t even know what i’m saying anymore.
It’s not that late, but I feel really odd. I feel happy and relaxed and scared all at the same time, and I’m not sure why this is. I feel like going for a walk- or confessing all my feelings to you… I guess i’m just rambling and I’m not sure any of you will actually read this. I just needed to write so I know that I still can function and spit out thoughts, and I’m more of a person than chemistry homework and 6 hour long naps… I don’t know what i’m saying. I’m sorry.
If you read this. Thank you.
